Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
