Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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