All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
