I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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