I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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