I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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