I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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