I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
