Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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