did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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