She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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