hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
