It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
