I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
