DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My balls are so social today.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he just fucked me for my cheese.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
