We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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