my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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