Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
