Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
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Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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