yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
