I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
