I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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