i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
