I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
