4 words: hood of his car
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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