This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
