Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
