Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
