I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
