I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
