Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
