I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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