I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
