youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
