In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
