I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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