I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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