Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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