im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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