So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
