Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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