I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
