Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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