he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
