Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
