chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
