I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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