can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
this hospital has no fireball
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
