If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
