Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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