I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
