WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
