It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
