"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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