Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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